Holy Spirit Transformation

“The Spirit of the Lord will come powerful on you… and you will be changed into a different person.” (1 Samuel 10:6 NIV)

Every time I read of Saul’s Spirit-transformation I am reminded of my own Holy Ghost chrysalis experience. I had encountered the Spirit at an early age: my mother was a closet charismatic methodist minister. I suppose I was about seven, I overheard her praying with a person, only it wasn’t the french or english I had heard her speak before. I asked my dad later that day and he said it was something secret between her and God, not to ask about it again.

I grew up. At seventeen I visited an Assemblies of God youth group. I was initially taken aback by the expressive worship, but ultimately admired their enthusiasm for the things of God. The Spirit wasn’t hidden in that congregation, you could experience the effects of His presence in every corner of the building. Lives were obviously transformed by regular, surrendered encounters with God. Tongues was only one aspect of the Holy Spirit influence in weekly worship.

I was intrigued and on guard at the same time. I cracked open my study bible and read through the book of Acts. I had long conversations with my mother, who quietly slipped me her well-worn copy of ‘They Speak In Other Tongues.‘ I devoured it, shocked to find the skeptic-author turned Holy-Spirit-participant. After a few months of heavy questioning and diligent research, I decided I was in. I was ready to surrender to the Sprit’s power and purpose in my life. I went to the altar during an evening service and I prayed. And I waited. And I repeated that process over and over again for the next fourteen years.

Fast forward to my early thirties; I was a pentecostal pastor’s wife still unfilled. Believing but terribly disappointed by my own experience. I was a momma by this point, two littles and not nearly enough patience. My husband’s job change required a life change. I couldn’t seem to cross the threshold without an increased measure of God’s presence in my story.

I remember it well, I was frantic that day; totally yielded to the chokehold of anxiety that often plagued my mind. In despair, I called our youth pastor’s wife who had recently earned a counseling degree. She spoke to me rationally from fifteen hundred miles away. “Anna, why can’t you trust God for this move?” She paused as my fear filled the phone line between her and I: “Maybe because I’ve been asking Him for the Spirit for fourteen years and I still haven’t received it. Sometimes it feels like He’s holding out on me.”

I cried. She encouraged me to go to my room and shut the door, to put on worship music and talk to God until I more fully received Him. I was so desperate, I complied. Three songs and fifteen minutes later I was praying in tongues. A spiritual dam not unlike the Hoover broke and burst forth. My ordinary life was set fire.

Transformation seems too small of a a word. My devotional times erupted. My parenting level up. Worship became far more meaningful and intimate than anything I had experienced prior. Within two short months, I received a personal calling to ordination. It’s as though I jumped to an entirely new terrain with God when I received the fullness of His Spirit. Somewhere along that a journey, He whispered a truth that I have tried to keep front and center for the rest of my years: the best version of me is the Spirit-filled version.

If we keep reading Saul’s story, we’ll realize the Spirit can be abandoned by our attitudes and actions.

“Now the Spirit of the Lord departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.” (1 Samuel 16:14 NLT)

I’m not claiming to fully understand this verse, scholars far smarter than I have hit heads over ‘an evil spirit from the Lord.’ Yet I can’t help but wonder if Saul’s evil spirit had something to do with surrender and retraction? How can we give our frames over to God, only to repossess them? I don’t believe we were designed to reverse course with Creator.

The NLT describes Saul’s second spirit as tormenting, filling him with depression and fear. This reads to me like the antithesis of the Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit is a great comforter and continuing source of strength. The inversion of these qualities would certainly prevail in His absence: depression and fear. We read Saul’s story and can come to an obvious conclusion.

What we devote to the Lord should be left in His hands.

There is great misery in retraction. Surrender isn’t surrender if we grab our lives back up again. Acquiescence is an incredibly brave thing, turning one’s life over to the Lord, but if we take such submission lightly, we may find ourselves increasingly miserable as the price of following Christ compounds. Bailing on our commitment though, will only seal our fate, as Saul found out firsthand.

A dedicated vessel cannot be undedicated.
It is cursed instead for breaking the vow of consecration.

Two years ago, I was at the bottom and feeling very bitter about the stark coordinates resulting from total surrender. From depths of that miry pit, I reconsidered my original commitment to Christ, I wondered internally if it was worth it. I’m far to much of a coward to retract, but I certainly considered my options. With the passage of time and change of circumstances, I am realizing that my self-pity was the spiritual equivalent of the early American pioneer, stuck in ruts on the trail, low on supplies, wondering if she’ll ever see civilization again. We cannot stop mid-journey and do a cost/benefit analysis. We must keep carrying on in trust: there’s a land just over the horizon and a way of life there that will make the trials and troubles of this journey look light and momentary. There’s a Spirit we rely on to equip, comfort and carry us along the way. There are no takebacks in the Kingdom; retraction opens us up to a hell far worse than the one we’re supposing.

Lord, please help us keep our eyes fixed upon You. It is a privilege to be called into Your service, an honor to be inhabited by Your Spirit. Set our eyes concretely on the destination, not the day to day tedium. Renew our covenant with You, blow fresh breath into our frames. May we not shy away from sacrifice, obedience or discomfort, but fully grab hold of ALL You have for us as we make our way Home. Amen.