“It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law,” Jesus replied, “But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Mark 10:5-9 NIV)
The Pharisees were committed to living out the letter of the law, but they had missed the heart of it. Love is the greatest commandment, loving God and loving one another. Lots of things are lawful, but the bigger question is what is loving?
Years ago one of my church ladies pointed out the power of ‘but’ in a sentence; she essentially said “But cancels out everything you just said.” So in Jesus’ case, He stated that hardened hearts demanded divorce, but God ordained marriage. Who is man to contend it?
We can’t forget that restoration is God’s goal in all things: the earth, humanity as a whole, relationship with us individually, relationship with others, marriage, families, health. God is a God of restoration and it is always His aim with us to put us back together, not to tear us apart. Maybe the most powerful miracle He longs to perform us is in the context of our marriage?
If our hearts are hard toward our spouse, its tough to remain soft toward our Savior. A hard heart is not a forcefield that is simply powered off and on at the flip of a switch. No, hard-heartedness in one area of our life – especially an area as signifiant as our spouse – will grow into other atrophies. We wind up being far less concerned about others.
So often divorce – even considering divorce – makes us selfish. We get tunnel vision because we are in pain and pain blows everything out of proportion. What hurts gets bigger and soon we can’t see past today to consider the effects of our actions on tomorrow. We lose sight of our kids and the life-long repercussions of divorce in their origin story. We forget our family and friends and fail to consider how our broken marriage might contribute to their surety in the institution. We don’t stop to consider our church and community; who will be wounded by our abandonment of our covenant?
Cultivating and keeping a soft heart will help us keep an eye on the big picture. It will also help us see our spouse as person, not an adversary to be beaten. A soft heart will keep us connected to God; ready and responsive to His instruction and insight.
Maintaining a soft heart in marriage is hard work, it requires regular confession and earnest prayer. Forgiveness is the currency of a healthy union, both spouses readily offering and receiving much-needed grace. I often ask God to help me see my husband’s heart; the wounds, the wins, the inclinations and aspirations. We pray together daily and I’m learning it’s hard to stay angry with someone when you hear their pleas in the throne room of heaven. Remaining soft-hearted in marriage is a miracle that we instigate but only God can carry out completely. Soft heartedness a necessary ingredient for finishing strong with our spouse.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you: I will remove your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.”
(Ezekiel 36:26-27 NIV)
Lord, we ask for a soft heart, a heart of flesh that remains responsive to Your presence and Your preference. We especially lift up marriages today, knowing full well how challenging it is to keep the commitment of two wills to one flesh. Please keep our hearts soft toward our spouse. May we continue to hear them, see them, pray for them and believe the very best about them. Help us live out more than the letter of the law, but the love that set the law in motion. Send us Your Spirit to reinforce us in this lifelong endeavor. Amen.