Forging Friendships through Forgiveness

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2 NIV)

I’ve been thinking about friendships lately. Rob and I are in a new season of empty nest and church revitalization. We are needing to forge new relationships to move forward in this stage of life. We are also learning that the older we get, the tougher the task of connection becomes. So many of our friendships are formed as we are formed; in early years of education, socialization and specialization. As we age, we must become more and more intentional in forming bonds with others; especially if relocation is a part of our story.

This week, I’ve been following along in a bible reading plan called “Find Your People”. Author, Jennie Allen, writes about the challenges that come with forming lifelong friendships. She sets the stage for the conversation three simple truths: You will disappoint me. I will disappoint you. God will never disappoint us. She encourages us to shift our expectations from people to God and pursue authentic relationship despite inevitable disappointment.

Her words have sat with me a few days now and I’m coming to the conclusion that relational intimacy is perhaps impossible without regular forgiveness. With all this inevitable disappointment between people, friendships must flow in forgiveness. But truth is, most of us are lousy at extending grace toward others. I wonder if unforgiveness isn’t the real root of our relational issues?

I have long thought that believers are the worst forgivers; though we know we ought to, we are pretty poor at the actual mechanics of forgiveness. We feel we should, yet we lack the know-how, so when relationships experience the inevitable dysfunction of the Fall, we fail to handle it with grace. We wind up leaving a trail of brokenness in our wake, rather than addressing unmet expectations, forgiving one another and forging on in right relationship.

We’ve talked a lot about forgiveness on the blog, but let me give you a quick reminder of the steps. First, we identify the hurt and bring it to God. The throne room is where it’s safe to talk about expectations and consequences. Air your feelings and your frustrations to God alone. And then put those offenses under the blood of Jesus. Picture the red spilling over them, purifying the pain and paying the price. Say it aloud: “I forgive ______ for _______.” Keep repeating the sentence every time the offense returns to mind. Picture the offense as under the blood until your mind accepts it. Ask God to help you heal you from the hurt. And then bless your offender. “God, please bless ________.” You have not truly, totally forgiven, until you can bless.

“But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7 NIV)

I am more and more convinced that healthy, sustained relationships flow in forgiveness, in both the giving and the receiving, alike. Without mercy, we will find ourselves increasingly isolated and injured. But when we learn to give and receive forgiveness, we are freed up to love people over the long haul.

Lord, please help us to be world-class forgivers. Forgiveness is not in our sin nature, it is found only in our new nature gifted by You. You have exampled forgiveness to us. Let us offer grace again and again to the world around us, receiving it readily as well. Free us up from offense for the sake of friendship. Teach us to live in ongoing right relationship rather than perpetual abandonment in hopes of greener pastures that simply don’t exist. Amen.

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