“As the ark of the Lord was entering the city of David, Michal daughter of Saul watch from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.” (2 Samuel 6:16 NIV)
Honestly, I read this account and my heart goes out to Michal. She and David appear to have been the Old Testament equivalent of high school sweethearts. She was king’s daughter, the prize worth a hundred Philistine foreskins. This strange dowry was met and doubled by a love-struck David. The young and happy couple wed with an initial blessing from King Saul, but he quickly succumb to paranoia and jealousy. He set out to have his son-in-law killed. David ingeniously escaped Saul’s wrath and as punishment, Saul gave his daughter – David’s wife – to another.
Years passed. The one-side feud between Saul and David raged on. When Saul finally fell by another’s sword, David’s heart became set on regaining his first wife; rightfully his. But she was contentedly married to another. David was unmoved by their happy union. He demanded her anyway, despite the six wives he already had. Michal was summoned by force, her poor husband followed behind her in a trail of tears until he was finally turned away.
Michal had been loved and unloved. She knew the difference. She was not regained a the singular wife of David, but as a trophy to sit in a gilded case, one of many decorating the king’s palace.
So she sat in the window on the day her estranged husband brought the ark of God the city bearing his name and she despised him. The city worshiped while she seethed. We realize, she had good reason, but it was still wrong.
Stop here and realize that despising our spouse will do deep damage to our connection with the Creator. We cannot hold hate in our heart within firm boundaries, it will most certainly seep over into our relationship with the Almighty.
Michal had every cause to be angry. She had experienced depression injustice from all the prominent men in her life, when each one should have protected her. Her father sold her for a few pounds of flesh to her first husband and then jerked her away like a cat toy and married her off to another. Her second husband, though he loved her dearly, he refused to fight for her. Spineless Patiel acquiesced to the demands of his unreasonable king. Then David, her reinstated husband cared so little for her feelings that he only added her to his growing collection of wives – one more proof of conquest for a king.
Unforgiveness of others will always infect our relationship with God. This is why we must wrestle to forgive, even when we’ve been terribly wronged and the offender has yet to repent. Michal needed to forgive for Michal’s sake, not David’s. God would deal with David in His own way and His own timing. David would walk not walk in marital sin forever. He would eventually repent. Meanwhile, Michal could have allowed God to help her cope with her hurt.
Michal’s unforgiveness affected her profoundly. On the day the Almighty strode through her city, she stood on the outskirts of worship in disgust. She missed out on the palpable presence of God; an experience so profound and rare for women in her time. She gave it up for what? To hold on to her rage against David?
David didn’t miss out that day. Michal did. Her unforgiveness didn’t hold him hostage as she hoped. Quite the contrary; it was her heart held in the stocks, far off from the glory of the Lord everyone else was awash in.
I don’t want to make light of it. Choosing to forgive a betraying spouse is perhaps the most bitter pill a wife can swallow. It requires arduous effort. But if we don’t or won’t forgive, the cost is far greater than our marriage. We can wind up cutting ourselves off from the most rewarding/redeeming relationship of all. We wind up despising when we are created to delight. We stand outside when we have been invited to come close. We thrash about in angst when we could be set free to soar with grace.
Please keep in mind: forgiveness doesn’t equal trust. Trust only comes with repentance and right behavior plus the passage of time. Truthfully, trust may never be restored because it’s entirely dependent on the transformation of our spouse. And that bit is up to them and the Lord.
Forgiveness, however, is entirely up to us. Forgiveness is about dealing with the stuff in our own heart; the damage that – undealt with – will eventually erode our friendship with God. Don’t allow disfunction with your spouse to destroy your eternity.
Michal’s unforgiveness cost her deeply. She lost relationship with David. She never had any children. But most concerning, she had lost interest in the things of God.
Don’t let your wayward spouse have that level of influence on your eternity. You alone are responsible for your relationship with God. Guard it all costs; even it if includes forgiving the unforgivable.
“But now you must also rid yourself of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” (Colossians 3:8 NIV)
Forgiveness is the only way I know of to rid ourselves of these things. First we receive God’s forgiveness, and then we extend forgiveness to others.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive on another if anyone of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. and over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Colossians 3:12-14 NIV)
Lord, please forgive us when we are slow and reluctant to forgive. Remind us of all You’ve accomplished on the cross; dying for those who have yet to receive You. Help us forgive even before we hear or see an “I’m sorry.” Guard us from the bitter root of unforgiveness that will eventually corrupt our friendship with You. Let us soar with the grace that You have so freely offered. Amen.