“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?” (Job 38:4 NIV)
My brother’s death has given way to an unflattering self-revelation. It turns out, I have managed previous losses with busy-ness. As my loved one failed, I ramped up my empathetic efforts. I organized and planned and worried and worked my way through their passing. Care plans, funeral arrangements, final resting places and thank you notes: that’s my jam.
This time, I’m not in charge. Most would be relieved. I’m bereft. How do I deal with the feelings? I’d far prefer to push past the ugly crying and delve right into the details. In the seven days since my brother passed, I am realizing how much I’ve relied on ruling. Taking charge is my coping mechanism. Others cry or drink or tell stories. I make a plan and push back my sleeves. I overbear my way through the pain, pushing through tasks until grief is more manageable. Then I govern my way through that, too.
I am not in charge. Not of this funeral or final resting place or his estate or really any of it this time around. My sole responsibility right now is simply responding to the leading of the Lord. Why is this hard for me?
Humility is the antithesis of being overbearing. Submission. Meekness. Not words that come easy for Karens like me. But I think back to original design. My parents christened me ‘full of grace’ and in my forties, I am still learning to live it in every season.
When I was still a kid, my dad teased me about being the director of the universe. What I finally understand four decades later is how I struggle under poor leadership. Unclear expectations, saggy schedules, wasted resources and chaos make me crazy. Looking back at my childhood home; I was constantly stressed by the fantastical and the furious. My family existed in a free-fall between make-believe and mayhem. Mom was a dreamer and Dad was endlessly angry. I grabbed for the wheel because even a child knew someone needed to drive. My misguided management was thinly-disguised self-preservation.
Today I am realizing that all that self-preservation doesn’t leave a lot of room for God-revelation. He doesn’t need my plans and efforts. He can very well run the whole world without my two cents.
“The earth is the Lord’s and everything in it, the world and all who live in it.” (Psalm 24:1 NIV)
The truth is; God is not a bad leader. That sounds so blatant, but it’s downright embarrassing to think of how many times I’ve wrestled Him for the reigns. The Almighty has a plan and a budget and a timeline and He can be trusted. My best life (yours too) is found in loosening our grip and trusting the One who holds the whole world in His hands. When will I really learn this? When will I lean in and live it?
“He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” (Colossians 1:17 NIV)
Any pretense of personal control is an apparition at best. I’m undone: the blessing in this terrible subtraction is the stillness; the folding of hands and sitting with grief. Letting the waves wash over as a new reality sets in. I’ve been given space to feel the loss and trust the perfect will of a Good Father. I get to trust in Him in whole new ways.
“He says, “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Pslam 46:10 NIV)
Lord, forgive me for all the ways I have relied on my self. I’m still deeply opposed to loss, but this season is offering me whole new ways to trust in You. That can’t be a bad thing. Help me surrender to Your agenda; today and moving forward. Amen.